Thursday, 2 June 2011

MOTY - not me, not this week!

So, I won't be getting any Mother of the Year nominations for my behaviour this week. What a grouch! On Tuesday, being Evie and Cate's birthday eve, I expected a mood - what I got was a river of tears that started at dinner and lasted well into the next day. Not completely unusual, but...

I get very protective of Cate leading up to her birthday and can get upset with the other girls or anyone else for jeopardising what I feel is a perfect celebration. This year, poor Rose, after much hounding by Cate, told her where her presents were. I later found them hiding in our robe, under my wedding gown, going through the presents. This felt like a betrayal. Why did it bother me so much? Rose got the "wont be trusted with secrets" talk and Cate woke up on her birthday to no surprises.

Don't think that Cate gets it easy though. She has a lot to live up to. I spend days with their birth going through my mind, and with thoughts of despair about losing a child, get upset when she misbehaves - like she should be grateful to be here. I am not proud of these thoughts or the reasonings behind them but they seem to resurface every year.

Currently I am going through the Realisation Stage! I step back and see how grumpy and emotional I have been and guiltily try to make it up to them. Unfortunately, all of us are tired from birthday celebrations and so far I have failed miserably.

My aim is to be better prepared for next year. Last year, uncharacteristically, I outsourced Cate's party to a rollerskating rink. I love all of the decoration and celebration of having birthdays at home but they supplied food, cake, everything. All I had to do was hold it together for 2 hours. Unfortunately, this is a gap year and she didn't have a party, so of course, I focussed on every other aspect of the day. I have learnt that I need to put less pressure on everyone at this time of year, including myself. Maybe by her sweet sixteenth, I might have finally figured it out.

I am going to start tomorrow afresh and make sure that it is better. I plan on cooking with Rose, sewing with Cate, and playing games with Josephine and Grace. We have a school free day tomorrow, so I am looking forward to 4 days at home with my babies and not commuting for 2 hours on school runs. I am also planning on covering Rose' dresser in yellow and gold wallpaper.

I will fall asleep tonight telling myself that if guilt makes me a better mother tomorrow, I might just get back on the MOTY list. :)  I would be happy just knowing that my girls think I am the best mother in the world.

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