Saturday, 9 July 2011

Will the farm fade my frustrations?

With it officially school holidays I am still deciding whether I am ready for, excited by, terrified of, relieved about or dreading the next few weeks.

I know I am saddened by the fact that with work days, I will only see my girls 7 more days than normal. It saddens me further that they like to visit their grandparents during the holidays for some time alone and I already feel like I never see them anymore and miss them so much when they are gone.

Cate has a wonderful relationship with my parents and loves the farm. She sews and cooks with my mum and talks my dad's ears off! The other girls now want to go too. I don't want to stop them but don't think it is fair to send them all up at once, so someone always gets upset because they can't go.

I am really looking forward to not having to do the school runs. I won't have to get out of bed in the cold and rush to do their hair and yell "brush your teeth" a thousand times before 8am. I can stay in bed, with girls under blankets with me. We can play games and cook together. We can stay in our pyjamas all day!

On the other hand, I am dreading the days stretching into weeks and feeling like I'm drowning - not waving!!

I am feeling a little like that now. I like to make things, redecorate, move the furniture around. Things I can't do here. I get out of bed, run the girls to school, come home, clean, cook. Got back to school. Get home sometimes 2 hours later, then cook tea, bath kids, feed kids. There is also homework in there. Read stories. Clean up again. Washing. Then, to top it all off, it is groundhog day again tomorrow and you do it all again!

I'm feeling a bit like a machine at the moment. Everything is routine. If I try to change something, the whole system is kaput!

Now before you say I need to get more organised, note that I am the epitome of organisation. I have charts for chores, alarms for appointments, clothes for the next day laid out the morning in advance! I just think that I am feeling a little pulled in a thousand directions and slightly monotonous, robotic. Unappreciated. And now that I've said it - selfish.

The end of a term is hard on not just the children. I know mine are tired, emotional and physically and mentally exhausted and so am I. When they get angry and emotional, I respond accordingly. And when I get upset, poor Dean receives the brunt of it.

I think a few days spent in our pjs, take away dinner, movie mornings, cuddles in bed and daddy home before dinner is the antidote to my angst. Or, hopefully, some time with my own mum and dad on the farm will make all my troubles willow away. Say goodbye to stoic as we drive out of the city, watching the urban skyline fade over the horizon.

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